emotional intelligence

What you think of yourself vs what others think of you could be like the difference between a horse and a seahorse. Why does it matter how well we know ourselves? What can we do to get a greater understanding of what others think about us? How do misperceptions of oneself even originate?

Self-Awareness is at the heart of emotional intelligence. The better you know how others perceive your actions, the easier it is for you to cater your communication in the way you want to be perceived. How others interpret you can be based on what you say to what you do to how you look. For example, Jay Cutler (the quarterback for the Chicago Bears) gives the impression that he doesn’t care when he plays football and many would care to argue that this is because of his face. Jay Cutler has a bad case of RBF (Resting Bitch Face) which turns people off and causes people to not like him, regardless of whether he is a likeable guy. If Jay Cutler made more of an effort to smile more, people would probably like him more. The point of this example is to convey that how self-aware you are can directly impact how well others like you.

Impressions are created in seconds, whether that is what you heard about somebody, saw in or on somebody, or what you perceive about somebody. Self-Awareness is the ability to understand what people think about you and emotional intelligence is the ability to cater your communication through language, body, and perception to the message you would like to embody.

It matters how well we know ourselves because the more self-aware we are, the happier we will be. Understanding your strengths and weaknesses and learning where your place is based on those strengths and weaknesses is paramount to finding the place where your perceptions meet reality. If you have an unrealistic perspective of yourself, you will consistently be disappointed because you will expect to be treated in a certain way and consistently not receive that response.

We gain a greater understanding of ourselves by listening to the feedback of others. The biggest difficulty people have with this sentence is the word “listening”. Humans possess an inherent drive to not admit our flaws. It is natural for people to get defensive when a flaw is pointed out because to us, flaws are a sign of vulnerability. What most humans don’t understand is that other humans like when people can admit their own flaws. For example, many comedians are extremely successful because they can make fun of themselves. Kevin Hart is hilarious because he fully understands how short he is and all of the downfalls (and silly upsides) to being short. People see this vulnerability in another person and it makes them comfortable to be vulnerable themselves.

Misperceptions of oneself build when we see an idealized version of what we think we can mold ourselves into. For example, many university business schools inform their students that employers are looking for students who have strong work ethic, listening skills, and communication skills. Many students, with the desire to eventually get a job from such an employer, tell themselves that they are strong in all of those skills (whether or not they have worked to develop those skills). When those “aspirational” strengths become so encoded into one’s mental view of ourselves, we build an unrealistic idea of how people perceive who we are.

Ambition In Motion is a company that helps young professionals develop key soft skills, emotional intelligence, and self-awareness. Ambition In Motion helps young professionals gain a realistic idea of what it means to be in the working world and helps unite a company’s business goals with a young professional’s personal goals. These skills directly correlate to higher job satisfaction, productivity, and retention.

I lead an Executive Horizontal Mentorship Program and part of what I do is facilitate group sessions where all the executives come together to share their insights, questions, and thoughts on a new topic each session.
   

Our most recent group conversation focused on innovation and how we would like to become more innovative with our work. As with most meetings, I lay out the topic, but the executives can take the conversation in any direction the group chooses.

I hypothesized a few ways I thought the discussion would go. I expected it to revolve around people management. We would discuss ways to be a better leader, how to foster psychological safety with direct reports, or how to improve a specific skill and perform their role better (all of which are great topics!).

Instead, many of the group sessions went in a very different direction when discussing innovation.

In this case, the conversation revolved around priorities, balancing our values, and discussing what we find most important in our lives.

An exchange between two executives sticks with me: one executive mentioned, “If I spent time innovating in my family life like I do my work life, I would be much happier and have greater balance.”

To which another executive chimed in: “If you ask me for my priority list, I would say family comes first, then work. But, if you were to ask me the amount of time and emotional energy I put into my work compared to family life, it wouldn’t even be close to a relevant comparison”.

A third executive jumped in to reply: “But our work allows us to live the family life we want to have. But, I will admit that I struggle to enjoy my family time when the majority of my focus and energy is on work.”

This was a really interesting and unexpected direction for this conversation to go. There is a shift in work mentality from the old school bragging about how many hours one has worked in a week (the notion of asking about or even mentioning how many hours one has worked in a given week indicates this). Instead of leveraging the response of “busy” as the default response to ‘how are you?’, the mentality is trending where family life is starting to be conscientiously prioritized above work.

Based on this group discussion, we still aren’t there yet. But the fact that this stemmed from a conversation on innovation shows where we are headed: there is beginning to be a conscious push to have more balance between work and home.

The overarching question that arose from the discussion is “can we innovate in our work in a way that reduces the amount of time and emotional energy required to get the same amount of work done?” AND, instead of replacing that time with more work, can we instead divert that time and mental/emotional energy to family? 

The open question here is: can this be done?

Based on the feedback from the executives in this group meeting, yes, it can be done. People become more efficient and effective in their roles all the time. Whether through new technologies or improved prioritization of time and tasks, improving the efficiency of both time and mental inputs for work can definitely be accomplished without sacrificing work quality.

The second question is: if this can be done, why do we fill that extra time with more work versus family?

There is a natural drive to keep pushing the needle forward; it manifests as a growing fear that if I am not working hard, the next person in line could be working harder and eventually take my spot. 

This drive also leads to a natural tendency for executives to not fully celebrate wins, and instead simply move onto the next task. When we don’t give ourselves credit for hitting a milestone, we rob ourselves of the deserved reward that we crave for getting the job done. And the people around you notice this: “If my boss can’t take a break to reward himself for a job well done, why would I deserve a reward?” This might be motivating for some people in the short term, but eventually, that kind of ambivalence to success drains the satisfaction in a job well done. 

Lastly, most executives justify more work as an effort to help their families live better lives. A perfect example of this is from the television show Breaking Bad. If you haven’t seen the show, Breaking Bad follows a high school science teacher who is recently diagnosed with terminal cancer. After realizing that he can’t afford the treatment, he decides to start cooking and selling meth to cover the cost. He justifies sacrificing his time, his emotional well-being, and even his morals into this endeavor because it is going to be “better for his family” (something he determined without their input!). Eventually, he comes to realize that he was lying to himself: it wasn’t about supporting his family; it was about his greed masquerading as providing for his family. I doubt many of your situations will end quite as dramatically, but I’m sure many will recognize some familiarity with that example. 

Most executives don’t want an outcome like this! The fact that they are consciously aware that they are spending too much time and mental/emotional energy on work and not enough time on their family is the first step to creating more balance.

So the third question is: what can executives do to ensure that their newly found time and energy doesn’t simply get used with more work?

As executives, one way we grow our impact and scale our performance is by creating SOP’s (Standard Operating Procedures) for our team. So why can’t we do that for ourselves when distinguishing between work and life?

Oftentimes executives choose not to commit to this type of action because it “deters flexibility when emergencies happen”. And this is a fair point. But just like creating SOPs for a work team, you can build in caveats for emergencies. AND most executives know that this excuse is pretty flimsy: if there weren’t any SOP’s in other cases, inconsistency and quality control issues would be endless. 

Therefore, if we, as executives, don’t set SOP’s for when we are working versus when we are with family, then we are always working. Why? Because family time is a longer-term drive. There rarely are deadlines that occur with family time, but because work is typically filled with short-term deadlines, we prioritize those over the longer-term rewards from spending time with family. 

SOP’s help take the emotion out of the decision of how best to distribute your time. An SOP is like a computer; it will do what you tell it to do – no more, no less. If you are firm with your work and life SOP, you will not have to worry about circumstantial judgment calls. It either fits into your SOP or it doesn’t.

This is more like action 1A as it falls within the work and life SOP. Time with family is powerful. You could be doing absolutely nothing, but the fact that you are there with family is what counts. This sounds like an obvious point, but if it were so obvious, this article wouldn’t be relevant. It is easy to quantify work output and less easy to quantify family time output. You don’t earn “points” for attending your daughter’s soccer match or your son’s recital. You do it because it makes you happy. Even if you don’t have any plans on the docket for your family time, that isn’t an excuse for getting back into work during the time that you have already decided is for family. 

This is more like action 1B as it falls within the work and life SOP. Simply spending time with family is not enough for that time to be meaningful. Our executives clearly distinguished between both time and mental and emotional energy. If you are physically “with” your family, but you are mentally and emotionally “checked out”, can you really consider that time valuable?

Family time deserves as much mental and emotional intention as we are willing to put into our work. And it probably deserves more! 

If executives can begin to implement these actions into their lives, they will become substantially happier and aligned between their work and family time value system – at least according to our executives in our group meeting.

Have your team members been acting differently or producing lower-quality work? Maybe there's an increase in requests for sick days or your direct reports seem disengaged during meetings? Unfortunately, all of these could be the early signs of team burnout. 

 

Burnout is quite common in today’s workplace. Two-thirds of full-time workers report experiencing burnout on the job, and it’s a phenomenon that impacts employees across all industries and roles, not just people in senior positions or traditionally high-stress jobs.

 

However, there’s hope: as a manager, there are several ways you can mitigate the impact of burnout on your team.

 

How do you identify team burnout? 

 

It’s critical that managers identify the signs of burnout early on. However, it’s important to note that they aren’t always easy to identify. 

 

You may assume that an employee has been missing deadlines or coming into work late because they are simply lazy. Or that the unusually negative, critical team member is simply in a “bad mood.” But these actions can be signs of burnout.

 

It’s also important to keep in mind that employees can experience burnout in their personal lives, which can carry over into their work. Managers shouldn’t assume that an employee is immune from burnout just because things at work aren’t busy.

 

To help you better identify the signs of burnout, look at the common physical, mental, and emotional symptoms below:

 

●       Feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion

●       Loss of productivity 

●       Fatigue

●       Loss of appetite or change in eating habits

●       Lack of sleep 

 

●       Constant worry and anxiety

●       Inability to focus clearly

●       Increased mental distance or apathy

 

●       Feelings of negativity or cynicism 

●       Irritability

●       Emotional fragility or heightened sensitivity

●       An increased tendency to start arguments or make harsh comments

 

While these signs can be used to identify burnout in individuals, the same evaluation can also be used to assess teams. If multiple team members seem to be suffering from any of these symptoms, or if your team seems to be experiencing a general loss in productivity, there’s a chance that they may be experiencing burnout. 

 

 

Once you think you’ve identified burnout on your team, how do you manage it before it becomes problematic or long-term? 

 

Before you take any action, take the time to understand the root cause of your team’s burnout. This will not only help you identify how to best help your team, but it’ll also demonstrate that you’ve noticed they’re not being themselves and want to help them overcome this obstacle.  

 

There are many potential contributing factors: a heavy workload, lack of leadership, no clarity around roles or expectations, and unfair treatment are common work-related causes of burnout. Of course, there could also be other factors outside of work that contribute to your team’s burnout such as financial or family-related stress.

 

Here are a few tips to help you identify the root cause: 

 

●       Have in-person conversations. Even though your entire team may be experiencing burnout, have conversations on an individual basis. 1-on-1 conversations are a good opportunity to address your direct reports' wellbeing. Addressing the entire group can be intimidating and make it difficult for members to open up. So schedule time for every employee and try to understand what they’re going through. Each person may also be able to share their perspective as to what’s happening at a team level.

●       Ask questions. Keep in mind that it may feel scary for employees to open up about their struggles in the workplace, especially to their managers. They may fear repercussions or worry about being perceived as less hardworking than other team members. If your employee seems to have a hard time starting the conversation, approach them with empathetic questions, such as, “What’s on your plate right now that’s overwhelming?” or “Where are you feeling the most stress?”

 

Other strategies can make it easier for people to open up about their experiences, too, such as ensuring confidentiality or connecting the employee to a third-party expert (such as a coach or therapist) that they may feel more comfortable working with. Sometimes, your employee may not feel ready to open up, and that’s okay too. Don’t force them to talk if they don’t want to but let them know you’re always available whenever they’re ready. Tools like AIM Insights can help leaders accomplish this goal.

 

As a manager, one of your most important roles is to serve as an advocate for your team. This means making sure your direct reports are well taken care of and supported. This is especially true when it comes to burnout. Depending on the reason for the burnout, the way you advocate for your employees can take on different forms. Here are a few examples to inspire ideas: 

 

●       Protect their time. If your team suffers from a heavy workload, one of the best things you can do is protect their time. What does this look like in practice? If someone approaches you to see if your team can take on a project, push back or say no. Also, let your team know that it’s okay to turn down work themselves if they feel overworked – this will empower them to regulate their own workloads.

●       Provide access to relevant resources. Regardless of the root cause, burnout can have very serious mental health consequences. Connecting employees with resources, such as information about wellness programs or wellbeing guides can be helpful. However, as a manager, you should also know that you’re not expected to be a mental health professional. So don’t hesitate to point your employees to an external source of mental and physical health support, whether that’s in the form of a healthcare professional or therapist. 

 

Compassion and empathy are useful tools for the workplace – especially when dealing with issues like burnout. There may be times you get frustrated with your team, or they get frustrated with you as you overcome this obstacle together. This is totally normal, so remind yourself to view the situation through a compassionate and empathetic lens. This will make it easier to get through the challenging times together. Below are ideas for how to demonstrate compassion and empathy: 

 

●       Don’t take it personally. It may be tempting to view your team’s burnout as a personal failing, but that’s not the case. At the end of the day, many factors can lead to burnout, no matter how hard you try to prevent it. So, when practicing empathy and compassion on your team, make sure you’re applying it inwardly, as well.

●       Think about what’s best for the team. A useful way to practice empathy is to ask yourself: what’s best for the team? The answer may vary by individual. What’s best for some employees is to take a vacation or personal leave and unplug for a bit. Others might need to clarify work priorities or have something taken off their plate. For some, it may be to support them if they decide to quit their job. This option can be challenging, but sometimes leaving an unhealthy work environment is the best thing employees can do for themselves and making sure that you’re supportive about their decision is the best thing that you can do for them. 

Conflict is an inevitable part of human interaction, and it can arise in any setting, including the workplace. When conflicts occur, it is important for leaders to have the skills and strategies necessary to effectively resolve them. 

 

Inclusive leaders play a crucial role in promoting diversity, equity, and inclusion in the workplace, and must be equipped to handle conflicts that may arise because of differences in perspectives, experiences, and identities.

 

 

 

One of the key strategies for inclusive leaders to resolve conflicts is active listening. Encouraging all parties involved to express their thoughts and feelings without interruptions is crucial in resolving conflicts. By listening attentively to understand the underlying issues and concerns, inclusive leaders can ensure that all perspectives are heard and considered. 

 
2. Empathy: Try to understand the perspective of each party and show empathy towards their feelings and experiences.

 

Empathy is also a valuable tool in conflict resolution. Inclusive leaders should strive to understand the perspective of each party and show empathy toward their feelings and experiences. This can help to build trust and foster a sense of understanding, which can be essential in finding a resolution.

 
3. Encourage open communication: Encourage team members to express their thoughts and feelings openly and provide a safe space for constructive dialogue.

 

Communication is also a critical aspect of conflict resolution. Inclusive leaders should ensure clear and open communication between all parties, encouraging everyone to express their opinions and providing regular updates on the progress of the conflict resolution process.

 
4. Lead by example: Set an example for the team by demonstrating effective conflict resolution skills, such as active listening and empathy.

 

Leading by example is another important leadership tip for resolving team conflicts. Inclusive leaders should set an example for the team by demonstrating effective conflict-resolution skills, such as active listening and empathy. This can help to promote these skills within the team and foster a positive and inclusive workplace culture.

 
5. Mediate conflicts: Take an active role in mediating conflicts between team members, helping to find mutually beneficial solutions.

 

Mediating conflicts between team members is another important role that leaders can play. By taking an active role in resolving conflicts, inclusive leaders can help to find mutually beneficial solutions and prevent conflicts from escalating. It is important for leaders to be impartial and neutral in their approach, and to consider the perspectives and needs of all parties involved.

 
6. Establish clear guidelines: Establish clear guidelines for resolving conflicts and communicate these to the team. This can help to prevent conflicts from escalating and ensure that they are resolved in a timely manner.

 

Establishing clear guidelines for resolving conflicts can also be an effective way to prevent conflicts from escalating. Leaders should communicate these guidelines to the team and ensure that they are understood and followed. This can help to prevent conflicts from becoming entrenched and ensure that they are resolved in a timely manner.

 
7. Encourage team building: Encourage team building activities and opportunities for team members to get to know one another on a personal level. This can help to build trust and reduce the likelihood of conflicts arising.

 

Encouraging team building and opportunities for team members to get to know one another on a personal level can also help to reduce the likelihood of conflicts arising. This can build trust and foster a sense of understanding and cooperation, which can be critical in resolving conflicts in a positive and inclusive manner. One great way to encourage team building is through the Ambition In Motion Horizontal Mentorship Program.

 
8. Provide training: Provide training and development opportunities for team members on conflict resolution skills and effective communication.

 

            Providing training and development opportunities for team members on conflict resolution skills and effective communication is an important aspect of leadership for inclusive leaders. By investing in the development of their team members, leaders can help to promote a positive and inclusive workplace culture and ensure that conflicts are resolved effectively. One way of receiving guidance on how to be an inclusive leader is with training and metrics via AIM Insights.

 
9. Flexibility: Be open to new ideas and solutions and be willing to adjust your approach as needed.

 

Inclusive leaders must be flexible and open to new ideas and solutions. They should be willing to adjust their approach as needed and embrace change to find the best resolution for all parties involved.

10. Follow-Up with Team: Reach out to the team members involved in the conflict after the resolution has been put in place.

 

Following up with your team members after going through the conflict-resolution process shows them that you see the value in them as individuals and employees. Reaching out to check in on how your team is feeling will aid in a stronger continuation of your team's work after the resolution stage.

 

By showing that you care about their well-being after the conflict, you allow your team to rebuild trust in the team's efforts.

 

Inclusive leaders prioritize conflict resolution skills because they understand that conflicts are a normal and inevitable part of human interaction, particularly in diverse teams and organizations. Conflicts can arise due to differences in opinions, values, and interests, and if not managed properly, they can harm productivity, morale, and teamwork.

 

Therefore, conflict resolution skills are essential for inclusive leaders to ensure that their teams and organizations remain cohesive and effective, even in the face of disagreements. By having strong conflict-resolution skills, inclusive leaders can promote open and respectful communication, maintain positive relationships, encourage diverse thinking, and improve decision-making. 

 

Overall, inclusive leaders who prioritize conflict resolution skills can create a positive and productive work environment where diverse perspectives and ideas are valued, conflicts are resolved in a constructive manner, and all team members feel heard and respected.